Wednesday, December 30, 2009

And in summation...

It never ceases to amaze me just how strange the world is and it becomes much more evident when one considers world  happenings over the course of a year.

 

In January of 2009 two things, which were already very evident, became even more clear. First a credible and thoughtful individual  was placed behind one nation’s figurative automobile after an eight year joy ride with a  mindless dolt. The car hasn’t stopped careening as yet but we are hitting a lot less trees and leaving much less road kill. It is still dangerous but a least we’ve got a driver that can focus on that which lays before us and not harp on what happened to daddy in the driveway. We also learnt in January that of all the shows on TV, the Soprano’s was probably the best cast show in TV history when  Lillo Brancato Jr. was convicted of Burglary ( the murder charges were dropped). His buddy got the murder rap. Who, you might ask, is  Lillo Brancato Jr. He was one of Tony’s young guns that got wasted for ripping off the New York crime syndicate after having been told not to.

 

In February we saw the Catholic Church go up against God in a face-off on whether people have the right to die episode. The Catholic church, in their infinite wisdom, feels that only they have the right to kill or molest and the rest of the world should live forever until they deem their time has come. However a young Italian women(Eluana Englaro, 38) after having been in a coma for more than 17 years finally succumbed and therefore we never did get to find out whether the Church or God would have won. Believe me, it was a toss-up. The church has more money and pull these days.

 

In March there were 2 British soldiers killed by the Real IRA. The first to die since 1997. Apparently all the other deaths in that struggle were not conducted by the Real IRA and when “all peace broke out” the Real IRA had to step in and fix it. It only took them 12 years to find any Neanderthals stupid enough not to realize the rest of the nation had moved on.  

 

In April the US declares a swine flu Pandemic and the whole world starts going nuts. What isn’t stated to the world is that only weeks before, the World Health Organization (WHO) (Exactly) changes the definition of a pandemic to simply a virus which  hasn’t been present in the population for 40 years or presents as a new virus. The other four qualifiers were removed (Increased death rate, wider presentation of symptoms than normal virus, etc.)  I guess because CNN hadn’t had the opportunity to report on a good pandemic in oh so long.

 

In May Scientists found the missing link. Apparently it was really lost because it was 47 million years old. Thank god!! Now maybe somebody could help me find my glasses.

 

In June The US is shocked to see the headlines President Ahmadinejad Wins Reelection. This in a country which elected GW Bush twice. I might add the first time people believed those results were a tamper as well.

 

In July in NJ there were 44 arrested for corruption including three mayors. This may have surprised a whole nation with the exception of everyone living in NJ.

 

In August Michael Jackson’s death is ruled a Homicide because he couldn’t possibly be crazy enough to have taken two lethal drugs together on his own volition. Nay – not the man who had shown such restraint and well thought out personal care in the past. Has anyone done a before and after picture of that guy in the last couple of years. I guarantee you he looks healthier now than any time in the last 10 years.

 

In September republicans decide to protest the fact that President O’ Bama is going to speak to students across the nation. They don’t want the president controlling the minds of their children. They would rather invite Sarah Palin to do that. Really? This is all starting to sound too Col. Flaggish to me. (See M.A.S.H. many episodes)

 

In October math results show that the “No Children left behind” has left all children behind.

 

In November we all found out that just because a nation is giving thanks – there are individuals who apparently weren’t giving thanks to family. In fact they had been giving it to everyone except family and we also learnt that even an Escalade can’t out run a good two iron.

 

And in December we all discovered that I have an opinion on just about everything I know very little or nothing about.  I suspect this too will continue in the new year.

 

 

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Things Are Good

Look it – as we grow older we sometimes can’t help ourselves and start grumbling about the way it used to be. The music was better, hockey was better, life was simpler, but I have to tell you that while there is nothing wrong with reminiscences and remembering fondly those things which caught favor with us early on and remained entrenched in our memories as the best of this or that, it doesn’t mean that everything was the best. Let me tell you that I do not remember fondly, learning in school to duck beneath our desk in case of a nuclear attack. Do you remember that? Heck those desks wouldn’t have stopped a good slap shot let alone the idea it would protect you from the initial explosion and subsequent fall out of a nuclear holocaust. Automobiles is another one. I don’t care what anyone says, but driving my ’65 Corvair anywhere was taking your life into your hands. Need I remind people of the self-lighting Pinto’s, the aluminum Vega’s and the miserably constructed Gremlins appropriately named because the only thing that you could count on in those cars were the gremlins.

 

Don’t get me started on talking about the red velveteen pants that Santa left me for Christmas one year with the assurance from my parents that all the cool kids were wearing them. Oh yeah and the puffed sleeved psychedelic shirt with the mother of pearl buttons to accompany the pants. It was no wonder people wanted to beat me up lest their parents saw me wearing them and thought that all the cool kids were wearing them. Fashion was just awful back then and if you think I’m lying just check back and look at some old pictures of the great clash of plaids and dots that hammered the lenses of the brownie camera’s everyone sported. Most of the pictures went undeveloped because the cost of developing them was equal to the national debt.

 

Now TV is another item that causes most people to skew the past far too heavily in favor of being great. If you ever lived through even one Velveeta cheese commercial or the Wayne and Shuster comedy hour you would know what I mean. Hockey games that only started at 8:30 and you would join them in progress and watch them on a set with rabbit ears in black and white and if someone shifted in the room you could lose the signal until everyone returned to the exact same spot that they had been in before.

 

Go ahead, remember fondly those days for whatever reasons warm your heart but please let me enjoy my ipod, HDTV, cars with all wheel drive, DVD’s and at least enough fashion sense to know a good pin striped suit when I see one.

 

Happy New Year and bring on more of life’s changes.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Christmas Is Coming!!

Alas- a glimpse of the calendar tells us yet again that a year has sprinted by faster than a Ben Johnston 100. Though the year has held some ups and downs it has more or less transpired without delivering on those expressed wishes from the previous year. In order to try and remedy that I have assembled my personal Christmas wish list which may provide some guidance to my family when trying to buy for the man who eats everything.

 

  • A dog that won't counter jump
  • Kids that would counter jump
  • Hair that doesn't grow in your ears
  • Ears that stop growing
  • Hair that grows on your head
  • Feet that don't crack
  • Cracks that don't feet (I couldn't resist - though I don't know what it means)
  • Joints that don't ache
  • Nose hair that doesn't resemble piano wire
  • Hockey without headshots
  • Headshots without hockey
  • Less of a mid section
  • Less of a top section
  • Far less bottom section
  • Uninterrupted sleep
  • Uninterrupted anything
  • The movie Trinity
  • Wine that doesn't make you drunk
  • Drunks that don't whine
  • 4 calling nerds
  • 3 french maids
  • 2 hurdle shoves
  • And a cartilage in a spare knee

 

Merry Christmas everybody!!